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as days grow longer and time goes faster, i start to realize how fast adulthood has dawned upon me. i’ve always been the person to yearn for the next step in life – in elementary school eager to move onto high school, then to college, then to a career. and now at 21, i have mixed feelings about growing up. in one hand, i’m so incredibly excited for what’s to come – to have new beginnings again, the thrill of butterflies and adventures. but i’m also incredibly nostalgic of the past – of the people i’ve met and grown close to, of whom i’ll say goodbye to soon enough, of all the memories i’ve made with them and my own self.

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as providence grows into summer, i am constantly reminded of my days here last summer. all the interesting, different days i had. it’s not necessarily sad but i partially miss it.

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what i hope to achieve some day is to be content with the ever present. to not think so ahead and not be so over-prepared at times. sometimes i just wish i could appreciate the moment more.

Heartfelt Words

IMG_DD4B80B07233-19:13PM: Currently at YVR waiting for my 10:35PM flight back to school

I really wish I weren’t going back today. I just kept thinking, if I could change one moment in time and get what I want, I’d choose to stay home for a few more days. Not that anyone can really get what they want whenever they want though, but if I had a few wishes to spare, I wouldn’t regret using one today.

I feel like a child – I don’t want to go back and face everything that has yet to dawn upon me. I’m probably being way more dramatic than I need to be, but this semester’s been pretty difficult (full of administrative challenges at least – that is, things I cannot control and people I can’t get ahold of).

And as junior year comes to end, I wonder how many times and for how long I’ll be able to come back home. I feel somewhat trapped in the environments I’ve set up for myself, as if I don’t have the luxury to travel or something. I just wish I could feel a bit more stable and a bit more home with where I go to school or where my family is. But “home” seems like a faraway ideal that I’ll be searching for until I’m married with kids.

I really like what P. James said today about words though – he said that you say things because you mean them: no matter how hurtful they may be, they came from somewhere (i.e. your heart). Makes me think about the language I’ve been using lately and what I spit out.

For me, my language has been filled with a lot of anxiety and unsettledness (really a lot due to admin matters that have gone array) with daily affairs & people. A lot of discomfort in not being able to find paper trails and things of that sort.

I came home thinking this week would be restful, but it’s just been a piece of cake that I cannot have again for a while. Maybe it’s with growing up, but I wonder how unsettling it is to graduate and to find a new home. So many people find that process really exciting, but I’m having trouble imagining such a “fun” transition. I understand why so many people choose to go back home or stay near family & old friends, not that you can’t make new friends and meet new family elsewhere.

I’m at lost for words but I guess today I realized how tired my soul has become from all this homelessness I’ve been feeling.

But I think I just needed a bit of a kick to look towards the right direction. That no matter what I’ll feel this homelessness if I keep putting my foundation on something in the future or on something in my past. I really need to start delving into the bible every day again.

Psalm 17:23

It’s crazy the way God enters my life. His steps are like weird patches that don’t seem to blend in – things I never imagined happening actually occurring. It’s incredible.

I’m not actually talking about good things either – there are times when He of course blesses me with incredible miracles, but lately I feel as though He’s been trying to catch me while I’m falling.

Now first things first, I know I’m falling. I keep falling into this strange pile of anxiety as I stack up all the things that are not working out in my favour. Like today, a misfortune happened – one that I would categorize as complete and utter hopelessness. And it’s hard to reconcile and recover from moments like that. When I feel as though I’ve been knocked off the horse by a strange but powerful wind.

But I’m slowly figuring out it’s God… I mean every time I open my quiet time, it happens to press on exactly what I felt was lacking.

Today was Psalm 139:17-24. This one though stood out:

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (v. 23)

He’s really making me question the foundations of what I think hold my sanity together. Every last bit of it: relationships, family, life, greed, finances. Things that I think are so essential to my world – I’m desperately holding onto – I’m called to let go of every single one. It’s hard, I must say. I don’t even think I’m succeeding more than an inch at a time. But the first part in any recovery is admittance and recognition. So here is that.

Gracious Father, I recognize today my desperate need of Your love, wisdom, and grace. Search me and know me. Pour out Your grace and mercy in my life to bring healing to my heart.

Just needed to write that before I pass out for the night.

New York, oh

@ChristyLeung — I want to go to NY with you.

I miss that time where we felt so carefree, just a little bit cold at times. I feel at lost for words in light of that nostalgia. It seems that I collide into the best & funkiest of places with you.

& the ratchet / chill photos with you —

I feel this, if I were to translate it into tunes:

the novel I’d write

It seems that since I’ve entered college, approximately from February to April is a time of deep self-introspection – a real hell for someone who cannot deal with her internality of thoughts at times.

Usually I’d opt to write down my thoughts during these times – a catharsis for my mind to let everything out for anyone to find, when I’m struggling to get out of my own head. I missed out on it last month though. Entering the real tangible twenties felt empty to say the least. Empty and void of the things I’d thought I’d have – happiness, meaning, life.

I just didn’t have the real guts to admit it to myself at the time with the act of more introspection and writing. So I avoided it because in part, I had nothing to say.

Growing older, I’m realizing how crowded I am as a person. Filled with so many anxieties and insecurities that I can’t even start to count them off. Each one held up by single thread that I can’t seem to cut. It’s deafening to the soul to realize how stuffy my mind really is.

If I were to write something about totality of the months from February to April, I’d call it the state of constant sadness. Doesn’t really matter what prompted it, but rather that it started in the first place. That I somehow can’t find happiness or lightness within myself no matter how deep I pretend to search.

I somehow try to live off of people’s pity, cry whenever the possibility of emptiness appears, and hurt those closest around me during these months. And it’s a curse that I helplessly tied to when these months come.

I can’t be certain, but I think this trend will end next year. It’s something that I will not miss when I exit this fiction called College Hill and enter a different dimension of reality.

 

Enough of that pity party though. A few film outtakes from my last trip.

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Running constantly

These days I’ve been feeling… sleepy. Maybe it’s the warmish-coldish weather in Providence, or the week-long hints of jet lag I’m still experiencing. But I think sleepy is a pretty accurate term of what I feel these days.

On the other hand, I also feel lackadaisical and anxious. I know – a weird mix. French class usually does it up for the slight anxiety I feel. And I just want to constantly sleep. Oh, and I’m also dehydrated.

Next week’s an adventurous week – kinda. It’s my birthday next Wednesday, my 21st. I’m not exactly excited but it’ll probably be enjoyable? Plus, it’s an excuse to treat myself and not do any homework… well not a lot of homework at least.

I’m a pretty tame person when it comes to celebrations and such. I’ve realized “partying” is only fun with a lot of my closer friends when they’re not busy… and when we’re not all dying of a lack of sleep. I prefer to Youtube for hours on my bed and watch reality TV than go out sometimes… most times?

I think it’s too early to turn back on my life and reflect on my first 20th year. I don’t think I’ve changed much or grown much. I feel good and stable though with where I’m at. And as always, I want to do something to myself that will shake things up and challenge myself even more. By literally putting myself through more anxiety and change. Hahahah. I’m all for the personal growth – though I don’t notice it half the time.

I realize any achievement I make or stability I come to, I’m never really satisfied. I want to continually break the highest point I’ve come and keep going instead of settling down. I honestly don’t  really know why, but I just want to? There’s a lot of people I want to give back to and I feel like enriching my life is a way of doing that? Maybe?

Or I’m just being an unsatisfied goose, unable to stop running — that’s how it feels like sometimes. I just can’t stop running.

I’ve put in my film development order, but in the meanwhile here are 6 of my non-favorite photos from my trip abroad.

first film

Here’s my first try at film photography. My lovely boyfriend got me a Canon AE-1 for Christmas and here are the first results:

At Ambleside beach in West Vancouver – my old home.

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