So what’s up with relationships? I mean I realized today that, in the end (if you choose), you will spend more time with your spouse than the family you were born into. Essentially there’s a distinction between the people you choose to love and those you’re born to love. And that fact, that realization, is somewhat hard to swallow because it means that you are in charge of your own destiny and happiness. You have to be the one to filter out those you could belong with and cannot belong with. And contrary to what many believe, I now feel as though there isn’t just one possibility of a soulmate out there. There are more than seven billion people on this planet; there must be more than one person that you are compatible with. No one will be perfect for you, but when you meet a person that you can relate with, one you can laugh with and cry to, you’ll know that this one possibility could be the one for you. And that is definitely a hard truth to come by because so many of us think there is only one possibility for true love – that everyone else before that person wasn’t really anything at all. But that’s not true is it. In that moment, when we’re with that one person we don’t end up with, we can still see the endless opportunities to build a future with that person. In the end, it’s just whoever you choose to stay with, to deal with (together), that you end up with forever (or a notion of forever in this modern day and age). So it’s not so scary when an opportunity comes and passes you, even though you might think it’s the end of your world. Even if that opportunity could have meant something great, there will always be more opportunities, more people, for that chance encounter.
Relationships are weird because in even a short span of a time they can make you forget the world you had before them. You cannot imagine what happened before or what could ever happen after them. Your significant other really becomes a part of you and there is nothing you cannot share or disclose with them. It’s really quite strange. There is nothing that he doesn’t know about me – but I guess I use that term lightly. He knows me, inside and out, and I’ve created an unhealthy world, in which I situate myself. He’s almost at the center of it, but there are other things at the center of my world, of course. Our relationship started really by a chance encounter – a sixteen year old who had an enormous crush on some guy she met at church. She always thought she kind of liked him ever since they met when she was twelve. But a trip made all the difference, blinding reality to a sixteen year old girl. And the reality was never really shattered until a few years later. But in the meanwhile, the girl was slightly distraught at how much she liked this… stranger. So in her final year of high school, she decided to tell him, unmindful of the consequences. He, on the other hand, a much more practical person, saw all the flaws before they even appeared. And I guess that’s the short version of this story. I remember how every moment felt to this day and on some days, I regret my decision, on other days, I don’t. But I cannot change the past that is for sure. I’m still pretty naive. No, I’m absolutely clueless about myself and my future. Sometimes I just feel bad this guy has to go through all of this with me; I hate causing him pain but I know I hurt him. We hurt each other really… that’s the inevitability of giving a part of yourself to another person, let alone a whole half.
I honestly can’t believe that as of right now I have someone who is willing to give me their time and who I can constantly talk to. But it’s not just that. I was looking at him the other day and I felt like I was looking at him and me through a stranger’s eyes. It was so surreal thinking that in front of me was a person whom I loved and who loved me back. Such a strange, amazing feeling how intertwined two human beings could become. There was a point in our lives when we were strangers, oblivious of each other’s existence, when we liked, perhaps even loved, other people. And now, the time has come for us to love one another, to give ourselves up for one another. Being so far from marriage but being able to so simply imagine every lovely aspect of it as well. I’m so thankful he continues to be in my life after all that we’ve gone through. I love him – that far I know.
Life nowadays is spent eating lots of sushi and spending time with him. So here’s sushi tuesday. Life is an awful mixture of confusion, love, sadness, and everything else. Let’s just say that though 2015 is a new year, this relationship is not. But that doesn’t make me give up or lose hope at all. Only makes me grow fonder of him and realize how fortunate I am to have him in my life.
I’ve also missed you too sushi.