Lately I’ve been running into a lot of people working downtown. A few weeks ago, I started working at a tea store and I like it more and more as I keep working. There were a few decisions that prompted me to work there, which I can further elucidate later. Right now, I guess I’m in a bit of a rut – a blogger/writer’s block. Ron from Master of None was kind enough to send me a note that kind of really motivated me to write something today.
I’ve been pretty tired these days, both physically and emotionally. As much as I want to get into specifics, I’m afraid I can’t at this point because I’m pretty confused too. I just have a lot of stuff on my mind and so I’d rather be writing a paper or an exam at the moment. Since I’m not dancing anymore, sometimes studying actually keeps me from over-stressing.
Growing up and slowly becoming a mature adult, there’s one concept I cannot wrap my head around. Is life really about climbing up the corporate ladder? I mean like going to school, doing well, going to a good university, getting a great job, getting married, having children, and then maybe just passing away quietly. I know there are so many possibilities in between, but my life seems so set already. I’m maybe a quarter through life, and it’s so sad thinking that this is my life – that I can’t just be someone I want to be, but be someone that I’ve rather destined myself to be. Is retirement and death what I’m looking forward to? I mean all of those steps are not bad at all – they all have their ups and downs, and I’d be grateful and happy at any stage of those. But just having finished off first year and working at a tea store now, these thoughts come rushing back. I’ve had a few conversations with my friends about this, and they all kind of shrug and say “I guess so”. Honestly, I am excited for all of these things to happen to me, but at the same time, there are so many people in my life with so many different expectations for me. Their logic and dreams for me make sense, but it’s dragging me down at the same time, having so many different opinions on my back. I need and so desperately want to go back to school because at least there, I fully make my own decisions and am my own person again. I think I wrote about it in an earlier post – how much I loved the feeling of freedom at university. I really do miss it and I miss the new people I’ve met who’ve helped me along the way make those decisions.
I have to remember, no matter how much I love the people in my life, this is my life. And if they were to disappear tomorrow, I have to live on with the decisions I’ve ultimately made. This combination really makes me want to dance again, and also serves as a visual representation of the state I’m in.