There’s a part of everyone that wants to know the validity of their claims and their thoughts. But often times, the desire is shaded by one’s own pride and biases. And it’s difficult to swallow most times that that is the case. I used to think pride was an issue that hit most people in superficial manners; being prideful of one’s wealth, of one’s successes, and of one’s achievements. But it never occurred to me that some of our foundational defences and guards are built on a mountain of pride. It’s not so much a matter of being embarrassed that one’s wrong or admit to one’s pain, but a matter of going against oneself.
It’s hit me that I’m swimming in a pool of my own vanity, considering each thought and emotion only as a mirror of itself and of nothing else. It’s trapped me and enclosed me in a strange narrative of sensitivity – most days, I feel like I’m walking on a thin layer of ice, only to fall in at any moment, and not exactly knowing when this will all happen. Hence, many things I’ve encountered within the past few months or years, I don’t think were quite as genuine as they could have been, or I’ve been leaning on things that don’t hold my weight too well – indulging in metaphorical white chocolate, the paradigm of unhealthy but seemingly tolerable treat.
And then it becomes a trend of lying to yourself constantly – of being okay one minute, then not another. Until it consumes you. Suddenly, the exhilarating roller coaster ride you once thought you were on feels like any other car ride. I once noticed, driving long distances, that if you zone out, you start to not feel how unsafe you actually are – so going way over the speed limit and not doing shoulder checks in American highways feels like nothing, though you know you might crash at any second. And yet, it seems as though the crash will not be so bad – at least the jadedness is gone. It’s a numbing experience, and after a while, it’s the new normal. It’s not that you don’t care or know you need to reflect. It’s the realization that you’re already so muddled by your vanity to know how off you are.
It comes to a point where you just realize that your reality is a fiction; and you’ve confined yourself to your own curse and parochial mindset.