Sinking sand

Walking right on the coast of the ocean is interesting because the sand slips out from under you. As if to put you off balance, the sand sneaks away with each crashing wave. For someone who’s barely gone to the beach and dipped their toes in the water, it was an offsetting moment for me to regain balance on different hollows of the same sand.

The thing is, you never lose balance, you just think you do for a split moment. The unbalancing act feels somewhat nice, though my heart almost skips a beat each time it happens, then to realize I’m standing still on the edge of the Atlantic.

Life is very much the same, with its own appearance of sand that constantly slips away. There are moments in your life when you’re thrown off balance to find you’ve been standing still the entire time. But it’s not sand, of course. For me, they’re mainly emotions, for others, it might be unforeseen events, and for some, it’s depression.

And I think we’ve all seen what’s going on in the world right now, no matter how ignorant of or far away we try to stay away from world news. It truly is difficult when a multitude of tragedies occur – not just one, but an avalanche of horrific events. Some things we’ll never be able to forget, things we didn’t think would ever quite happen.

Whenever my heart grows weary, my mind immediately jumps to a praise song – no matter what the situation – a child dying, a breakup, a terrible tragedy. Today, “Great Are You Lord” played when I walked into church. For me, certain praise songs hold a significant burden I’ve experienced in my life. That song reminded me of the day a child died, no one I knew personally, but too sad altogether. I’m the last person to take up someone else’s depression or tragedy, but my usually obnoxious loud became just quiet. I remember that time as a memory of unsettling quietness, of a strange comfort and stability in a time of chaos for some people. I just felt a great peace come upon me because emotions became too much to handle at that point. It might seem strange to be like this at a time of an unjust death, but I was convinced of God’s healing presence in the hospital room at the time.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt God’s lasting peace fall upon me, and yet, as the world grows more chaotic and as my life becomes more intricate, I seem to want it more than ever soulfully.

I’m only a victim of my own thoughts and actions, and of no one else’s. But even when my foolishness gets the best of me, and I’m on the ground, beaten down by my own demons, I can only remember the everlasting love of God. That, in the end, no matter what I’ve become, the greatest love of all will never forsake me. I’ll never be worthy of such a grace, and yet, it will never leave me.

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