Ghosts

I don’t believe soulmates exist, but I’ve seem to have found one. And even further, it’s as if I’ve always been infatuated with this one man since the beginning of time. And I know that no matter how ugly this relationship gets to be, I will still be in love with this one person until the end of time.

Our background is complex spiral of disparate universes coming together. Our beginning is an ever-true Korean soap opera, and everything in between now and then is a fragile spider web, with many holes but an everlasting hold. Despite these holes, with that thread, I can place almost every minute into an immediate replay unlike other life moments. Each moment of time lives within its own universe, staying absolutely contained with its contemporary emotions and perspectives.

Have I also mentioned that for most of the year, we live thousands of miles apart in two different time zones? Long distance is not an uncommon occurrence nowadays, but for the two people, it means constant sacrifice. Hence, when I say I can remember almost every minute we’ve shared together – whether good or bad – it’s more a matter of me reliving an haunting past over and over again.

It’s suffocating at times, of course. Walking past the stores you’ve always visited together, or eating alone at your favourite restaurants gets to be taunting at times. And the memories become more painful each time one comes and goes.

The last time we saw each other, we fought for more than half the waking hours we had together. It’s as if the holes in our already complicated spider web get bigger each time we see each other – something always has to go wrong. And I’ll admit, more than majority of the time, it’s my own doing. I’m a sensitive person, overly so at times. When we see each other, my emotions become more amplified, especially by the anxiety of another goodbye.

And I resent him. For things like being unable to remember my birthday, or for simply texting another girl. Or realizing how little I know of him because of my own self-absorbed perspectives.

The thing is though, no matter how much I resent him at times, hate him in others, (and he must feel the same way), we undoubtedly come back to each other. The truth is, even if this is my first relationship and this is his third, we’ve never experienced a love like this before. It’s a different kind of ‘love’ I describe – one that’s passionately stuck together. When coming undone doesn’t actually mean loosening strings, but rather a fierce tightening.

We’ve experienced all sorts of resentments towards each other in the time we’ve been together. Indifference, emotional suicide, physical heartaches. Yet, as time goes on, I’ve stopped questioning the validity of our togetherness to each other. Maybe lost at times, but in the majority, I want him in my life as much as he does in his.

The longest we’ve been broken up (and there have been many many times) was four months. At the end of the four months, I discovered that there was no thing as a soulmate, but that humans have adaptable personalities. Despite that, I told myself constantly during that time, that I would never forget such a relationship.

We’ve gone through so many thick and thins, and whether our experience is the result of our “soulmate”ness or the constant non-emotional feeling towards each other is, I know he is my soulmate. I don’t think that has to mean what it might conventionally convey, but he’s someone that in this moment, I can see as lasting forever – at least in memories and previous experiences, regardless of the future. And so, here’s to my ghosts – in the form of memories, tears, and real physical flesh of a person.

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