It’s crazy the way God enters my life. His steps are like weird patches that don’t seem to blend in – things I never imagined happening actually occurring. It’s incredible.
I’m not actually talking about good things either – there are times when He of course blesses me with incredible miracles, but lately I feel as though He’s been trying to catch me while I’m falling.
Now first things first, I know I’m falling. I keep falling into this strange pile of anxiety as I stack up all the things that are not working out in my favour. Like today, a misfortune happened – one that I would categorize as complete and utter hopelessness. And it’s hard to reconcile and recover from moments like that. When I feel as though I’ve been knocked off the horse by a strange but powerful wind.
But I’m slowly figuring out it’s God… I mean every time I open my quiet time, it happens to press on exactly what I felt was lacking.
Today was Psalm 139:17-24. This one though stood out:
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. (v. 23)
He’s really making me question the foundations of what I think hold my sanity together. Every last bit of it: relationships, family, life, greed, finances. Things that I think are so essential to my world – I’m desperately holding onto – I’m called to let go of every single one. It’s hard, I must say. I don’t even think I’m succeeding more than an inch at a time. But the first part in any recovery is admittance and recognition. So here is that.
Gracious Father, I recognize today my desperate need of Your love, wisdom, and grace. Search me and know me. Pour out Your grace and mercy in my life to bring healing to my heart.
Just needed to write that before I pass out for the night.
