9:13PM: Currently at YVR waiting for my 10:35PM flight back to school
I really wish I weren’t going back today. I just kept thinking, if I could change one moment in time and get what I want, I’d choose to stay home for a few more days. Not that anyone can really get what they want whenever they want though, but if I had a few wishes to spare, I wouldn’t regret using one today.
I feel like a child – I don’t want to go back and face everything that has yet to dawn upon me. I’m probably being way more dramatic than I need to be, but this semester’s been pretty difficult (full of administrative challenges at least – that is, things I cannot control and people I can’t get ahold of).
And as junior year comes to end, I wonder how many times and for how long I’ll be able to come back home. I feel somewhat trapped in the environments I’ve set up for myself, as if I don’t have the luxury to travel or something. I just wish I could feel a bit more stable and a bit more home with where I go to school or where my family is. But “home” seems like a faraway ideal that I’ll be searching for until I’m married with kids.
I really like what P. James said today about words though – he said that you say things because you mean them: no matter how hurtful they may be, they came from somewhere (i.e. your heart). Makes me think about the language I’ve been using lately and what I spit out.
For me, my language has been filled with a lot of anxiety and unsettledness (really a lot due to admin matters that have gone array) with daily affairs & people. A lot of discomfort in not being able to find paper trails and things of that sort.
I came home thinking this week would be restful, but it’s just been a piece of cake that I cannot have again for a while. Maybe it’s with growing up, but I wonder how unsettling it is to graduate and to find a new home. So many people find that process really exciting, but I’m having trouble imagining such a “fun” transition. I understand why so many people choose to go back home or stay near family & old friends, not that you can’t make new friends and meet new family elsewhere.
I’m at lost for words but I guess today I realized how tired my soul has become from all this homelessness I’ve been feeling.
But I think I just needed a bit of a kick to look towards the right direction. That no matter what I’ll feel this homelessness if I keep putting my foundation on something in the future or on something in my past. I really need to start delving into the bible every day again.