Ghosts

I don’t believe soulmates exist, but I’ve seem to have found one. And even further, it’s as if I’ve always been infatuated with this one man since the beginning of time. And I know that no matter how ugly this relationship gets to be, I will still be in love with this one person until the end of time.

Our background is complex spiral of disparate universes coming together. Our beginning is an ever-true Korean soap opera, and everything in between now and then is a fragile spider web, with many holes but an everlasting hold. Despite these holes, with that thread, I can place almost every minute into an immediate replay unlike other life moments. Each moment of time lives within its own universe, staying absolutely contained with its contemporary emotions and perspectives.

Have I also mentioned that for most of the year, we live thousands of miles apart in two different time zones? Long distance is not an uncommon occurrence nowadays, but for the two people, it means constant sacrifice. Hence, when I say I can remember almost every minute we’ve shared together – whether good or bad – it’s more a matter of me reliving an haunting past over and over again.

It’s suffocating at times, of course. Walking past the stores you’ve always visited together, or eating alone at your favourite restaurants gets to be taunting at times. And the memories become more painful each time one comes and goes.

The last time we saw each other, we fought for more than half the waking hours we had together. It’s as if the holes in our already complicated spider web get bigger each time we see each other – something always has to go wrong. And I’ll admit, more than majority of the time, it’s my own doing. I’m a sensitive person, overly so at times. When we see each other, my emotions become more amplified, especially by the anxiety of another goodbye.

And I resent him. For things like being unable to remember my birthday, or for simply texting another girl. Or realizing how little I know of him because of my own self-absorbed perspectives.

The thing is though, no matter how much I resent him at times, hate him in others, (and he must feel the same way), we undoubtedly come back to each other. The truth is, even if this is my first relationship and this is his third, we’ve never experienced a love like this before. It’s a different kind of ‘love’ I describe – one that’s passionately stuck together. When coming undone doesn’t actually mean loosening strings, but rather a fierce tightening.

We’ve experienced all sorts of resentments towards each other in the time we’ve been together. Indifference, emotional suicide, physical heartaches. Yet, as time goes on, I’ve stopped questioning the validity of our togetherness to each other. Maybe lost at times, but in the majority, I want him in my life as much as he does in his.

The longest we’ve been broken up (and there have been many many times) was four months. At the end of the four months, I discovered that there was no thing as a soulmate, but that humans have adaptable personalities. Despite that, I told myself constantly during that time, that I would never forget such a relationship.

We’ve gone through so many thick and thins, and whether our experience is the result of our “soulmate”ness or the constant non-emotional feeling towards each other is, I know he is my soulmate. I don’t think that has to mean what it might conventionally convey, but he’s someone that in this moment, I can see as lasting forever – at least in memories and previous experiences, regardless of the future. And so, here’s to my ghosts – in the form of memories, tears, and real physical flesh of a person.

LOVE is not what you think it is

Love is an ideal we want in our lives. Everyone wants to be loved and cherished in some way – whatever love means. I used to think Love was just another term that could be used in the sense of preference. For example, I love chocolate. And I really do – I take that seriously. But really, human love, relational love, is different.

Sarah and Phil Kay(e) performed this poem. It’s a great poem, and it hints at this idea of what love could really be.

I think loving someone, whether in a Christian sense or in a worldly sense, is incredibly difficult. Loving someone is hard, and I have had struggles in coming to terms with what love really was. I guess I just had so many misconceptions of what love could be or what I thought love would be like. Here’s just a few things I’ve learned over the past few weeks and months.

First off, love is not the same as infatuation. I think a lot of people know this. It’s impossible to love someone the first time you meet them. It’s possible to be infatuated with him/her, but it’s different from loving that person. So love at first sight, in the literal sense, does not exist. If you’re infatuated with someone, you’ll be content – you might think about them all day, wonder what they’re up to, constantly be checking for updates. Your heart will flutter when you see them, and you’re just generally excited. That’s not love. And this phase fades, like any shiny new toy you buy then throw away.

Second, love is not what you need in life to live. We often make love our goal in life; we need to find the right person and we want to get married to the “one.” And I struggle quite a bit with this. I automatically assume that love is what will make me happy, and therefore I should pursue love and without it, I will die a miserable wretch (no, I actually don’t think like this, but just to prove a point). Love will not bring you happiness. And you can’t depend on love to make you happy. In fact, love might really mess up your life, make it more complicated, and you might dislike love at times. But it’s not love’s duty to make you happy – you need to have something else to fulfill you.

Thirdly, love does not mean that you love every aspect of this person. We think, oh I’m completely in love with this person; I see no flaw in him and I want to be with him forever. Just because you say that, it doesn’t mean you love him, just means you’re still not over this infatuation phase. Of course, you should love an underlying essence of this person, but that doesn’t mean you have to completely be all for his characteristics. And how can we be? We’re not perfect in any shape or form; there will be mistakes and flaws that we need to realize and accept. Love doesn’t mean you like everything about him; it means you accept and see the truth in him.

So really, love is not just being content with another person. It’s about seeing who they are as individuals, with flaws and all, and accepting them and choosing to be with no one else. You trust them. You wait for them. You accept them for who they are, not for who they can be or will be. And in this way, love is so challenging and difficult, but ultimately beautiful and great. Love will not solve your problems and you should not depend on love to rescue you.

And in those ways, a worldly love will never be enough. But it’s not nothing either.

Date Night

The last night I was in Vancouver, Harry and I decided to go to Joe Fortes, an upscale seafood restaurant. We were eating on the Dine Out menu and the atmosphere was pretty nice. Our sub-server(?) was quite interactive as well.

IMG_1678

IMG_1673 IMG_1674

Walking to the restaurant, we visited a souvenir store. We found a selfie stick on sale and decided to get it. We were awfully stared at by strangers…

IMG_1704 IMG_1708 IMG_1709 IMG_1712

The courses at Joe Fortes:
Clam Chowder & Chilled Seafood Melody
Prawn Spaghetti & New York Steak
Chocolate Raspberry Tart & Tiramisu

Processed with VSCOcam with se3 preset

On the way home:

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset

I miss him.

Rainy Thursday

A very typical day in Vancouver: rain, rain, sun, rain.

Harry and I decided to go to Granville Island one last time before I returned to college. We ate our favourite meals and went off on a rainy, grainy photoshoot.

IMG_1458 Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset Processed with VSCOcam with kk1 preset IMG_3535
It was sunny at first, but it started raining a little later. You just have to expect the rain in Vancouver.

IMG_3337 IMG_3343

Pre-dinner coffee and cheesecake @Trees Organic Coffee & Roasting House. Harry says this place has the best Americano, and it is also known for their wonderful cheesecakes. I got a Raspberry White Chocolate scone.

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset

After Granville Island, I went to one of my favourite salad places : Red Robins. Shared a chicken burger and a chicken salad with mum.

Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset

And here’s the fabulous beau. I swear he could and should be a model.

IMG_3376 IMG_3386 IMG_3404IMG_3377

 

 

Sushi Tuesdays

Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 presetSo what’s up with relationships? I mean I realized today that, in the end (if you choose), you will spend more time with your spouse than the family you were born into. Essentially there’s a distinction between the people you choose to love and those you’re born to love. And that fact, that realization, is somewhat hard to swallow because it means that you are in charge of your own destiny and happiness. You have to be the one to filter out those you could belong with and cannot belong with. And contrary to what many believe, I now feel as though there isn’t just one possibility of a soulmate out there. There are more than seven billion people on this planet; there must be more than one person that you are compatible with. No one will be perfect for you, but when you meet a person that you can relate with, one you can laugh with and cry to, you’ll know that this one possibility could be the one for you. And that is definitely a hard truth to come by because so many of us think there is only one possibility for true love – that everyone else before that person wasn’t really anything at all. But that’s not true is it. In that moment, when we’re with that one person we don’t end up with, we can still see the endless opportunities to build a future with that person. In the end, it’s just whoever you choose to stay with, to deal with (together), that you end up with forever (or a notion of forever in this modern day and age). So it’s not so scary when an opportunity comes and passes you, even though you might think it’s the end of your world. Even if that opportunity could have meant something great, there will always be more opportunities, more people, for that chance encounter.

Relationships are weird because in even a short span of a time they can make you forget the world you had before them. You cannot imagine what happened before or what could ever happen after them. Your significant other really becomes a part of you and there is nothing you cannot share or disclose with them. It’s really quite strange. There is nothing that he doesn’t know about me – but I guess I use thatIMG_1389 term lightly. He knows me, inside and out, and I’ve created an unhealthy world, in which I situate myself. He’s almost at the center of it, but there are other things at the center of my world, of course. Our relationship started really by a chance encounter – a sixteen year old who had an enormous crush on some guy she met at church. She always thought she kind of liked him ever since they met when she was twelve. But a trip made all the difference, blinding reality to a sixteen year old girl. And the reality was never really shattered until a few years later. But in the meanwhile, the girl was slightly distraught at how much she liked this… stranger. So in her final year of high school, she decided to tell him, unmindful of the consequences. He, on the other hand, a much more practical person, saw all the flaws before they even appeared. And I guess that’s the short version of this story. I remember how every moment felt to this day and on some days, I regret my decision, on other days, I don’t. But I cannot change the past that is for sure. I’m still pretty naive. No, I’m absolutely clueless about myself and my future. Sometimes I just feel bad this guy has to go through all of this with me; I hate causing him pain but I know I hurt him. We hurt each other really… that’s the inevitability of giving a part of yourself to another person, let alone a whole half.

Processed with VSCOcam with b1 presetI honestly can’t believe that as of right now I have someone who is willing to give me their time and who I can constantly talk to. But it’s not just that. I was looking at him the other day and I felt like I was looking at him and me through a stranger’s eyes. It was so surreal thinking that in front of me was a person whom I loved and who loved me back. Such a strange, amazing feeling how intertwined two human beings could become. There was a point in our lives when we were strangers, oblivious of each other’s existence, when we liked, perhaps even loved, other people. And now, the time has come for us to love one another, to give ourselves up for one another. Being so far from marriage but being able to so simply imagine every lovely aspect of it as well. I’m so thankful he continues to be in my life after all that we’ve gone through. I love him – that far I know.

Life nowadays is spent eating lots of sushi and spending time with him. So here’s sushi tuesday. Life is an awful mixture of confusion, love, sadness, and everything else. Let’s just say that though 2015 is a new year, this relationship is not. But that doesn’t make me give up or lose hope at all. Only makes me grow fonder of him and realize how fortunate I am to have him in my life.

I’ve also missed you too sushi.