Running constantly

These days I’ve been feeling… sleepy. Maybe it’s the warmish-coldish weather in Providence, or the week-long hints of jet lag I’m still experiencing. But I think sleepy is a pretty accurate term of what I feel these days.

On the other hand, I also feel lackadaisical and anxious. I know – a weird mix. French class usually does it up for the slight anxiety I feel. And I just want to constantly sleep. Oh, and I’m also dehydrated.

Next week’s an adventurous week – kinda. It’s my birthday next Wednesday, my 21st. I’m not exactly excited but it’ll probably be enjoyable? Plus, it’s an excuse to treat myself and not do any homework… well not a lot of homework at least.

I’m a pretty tame person when it comes to celebrations and such. I’ve realized “partying” is only fun with a lot of my closer friends when they’re not busy… and when we’re not all dying of a lack of sleep. I prefer to Youtube for hours on my bed and watch reality TV than go out sometimes… most times?

I think it’s too early to turn back on my life and reflect on my first 20th year. I don’t think I’ve changed much or grown much. I feel good and stable though with where I’m at. And as always, I want to do something to myself that will shake things up and challenge myself even more. By literally putting myself through more anxiety and change. Hahahah. I’m all for the personal growth – though I don’t notice it half the time.

I realize any achievement I make or stability I come to, I’m never really satisfied. I want to continually break the highest point I’ve come and keep going instead of settling down. I honestly don’t  really know why, but I just want to? There’s a lot of people I want to give back to and I feel like enriching my life is a way of doing that? Maybe?

Or I’m just being an unsatisfied goose, unable to stop running — that’s how it feels like sometimes. I just can’t stop running.

I’ve put in my film development order, but in the meanwhile here are 6 of my non-favorite photos from my trip abroad.

first film

Here’s my first try at film photography. My lovely boyfriend got me a Canon AE-1 for Christmas and here are the first results:

At Ambleside beach in West Vancouver – my old home.

van7124

 

What a year

I am now home, having finished my finals and Christmas activities-ish. I realized that Sunday is the 1st which means this post is long overdue since I’ve lasted posted.

I came into this academic semester not thinking much but worrying a lot. The worse of my worries – being homeless but somehow working part time at a tea store for the rest of my life – sounds oddly familiar but I can confirm that will not come true… thankfully.

I’m grateful to all those I met this past year & have gotten to know, and to my God who will never let me go. This year’s been one of the most interesting by far to have gone through, with lots of surprises along the way. And for now, I’m happy that I’m 20 and that I get to keep my five week holidays and four month summers.

At the same time though, there’s a lot of things I want to accomplish in the final stretch of my time at college.

For the instant, I feel lazy and some type of writer’s block and procrastination. I’ll be watching a bunch of videos and sleeping. Until 2017, hope you have a lovely New Years.

 

incredible month

It’s been an incredible month. I wanted to acknowledge it before it disappeared and turned into finals + Christmas period. 🙂

That’s it. I’ll be back soon — right after finals period probably unless something else comes up or if I end up procrastinating on studying with writing.

Now what?

Not to reiterate what happened this week, but it has been emotional nevertheless. I think there’s a lot to digest and think about as I look towards a somewhat more clear future – but that’s not to say only I should do this, but everyone.

Okay. But I got to get it out.
Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy upon my life. I will boast in nothing but in God and His love because that’s something that will never cease. It’s surprising, wondrous, and outrageous all in one. A love that died for my soul on that cross – that saw and experienced every pain and suffering that any human could go through. One that understands the chaotic unpredictability of a human world. I am grateful to say the least.

As I look on to finishing this year and starting the next, I’m only excited in this moment of what is to come and what will come. I know there will be a different set of challenges and hurdles, as with anyone’s life, but in this moment, I’m living with God’s constant grace.

Now onto a fun outing on Saturday, a restful Thanksgiving week, and an exciting adventure the week after. Then finals, of course.

Thank you all for to everyone else’s support and love throughout a stressful but maturing process. And read my article if you so please on my views from the past two months.

 

Waking up to a new reality

I woke at 5AM this morning to the buzzing of my phone. I felt taken back by the new reality of this country and disheartened by the news I woke up to. Yesterday was a big day for everyone.

I’m dumbfounded and I’m trying to realize silver linings in the midst of this chaotic month.

So here are the things I’m thankful for and the things that I will ultimately keep up a positivity:

  1. I’m alive and breathing. I have incredible friends and family. And incredibly blessed to lean on a saviour and not on myself for understanding.
  2. The chaos, in turn, can bring about more change and activity for younger generations going through the motions.
  3. Our hope ultimately has to lie on something greater, not on human politics that can fall or rise any day.

Despite any more negative news that may happen this month, I am still hopeful of the things to come and grateful of the past.

Heaven holds my heart

So I will sing like I will there
In the fearless light of glory
Where the darkness cannot find me
And Your face is all I see

I am constantly blessed by His glory and grace upon my life, no matter what I have done or will do. I am constantly surprised by His mercies and boundless love that floods my life. So, I am constantly thankful for His love and mercy to have His will be done in my life.

For His will be done, not mine.

It’s going to be an interesting two weeks, but regardless of what happens, I know Heaven lives in me. For I have been fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of all things, and I have this inkling of faith that He will never leave me in the darkness alone.

I am forever indebted

I trust in Him with my heart to provide for me even though I am a worthless creature. And at times, it’s so confusing and difficult to realize my life in His terms, but I know it’s for the best. That some things are not meant to be clear or understood until the end.

I embark the first part of this potential year long adventure of finding myself and learning more and more to depend on God’s mercy and grace. I don’t think there’s anything that can set me apart from the depths of His love, as much as my warring thoughts will try.

I just wanted to make that statement tonight. That I pray for the Prince of Peace to be eternally present with me in every waking moment.

 

On Being Human

There’s a fine line between knowing who you are and what others know of what you are. There was a point in my life when I related to everything that Holden Caulfield said, and that’s why I was so drawn to the book. He talked about having a persona, a face, for every person he met, since everyone else was a phoney and not worth revealing the true inner self to.

I fell in love with the idea of it because as an eighth grader that seemed so true. No one was being a real person, hence there was no reason for myself to be either. This fell into a scheme of imitating the other person’s character as if to impress them or to be like them. I felt like I held some sort of secret, some sort of power and duty, as if I were really protecting who I was from outsiders who would never understand.

My practice broke apart when my history teacher asked me if I understood that Holden was the biggest phoney in the book. I wasn’t sure what to think of it, except to inquire more. And it was true – a simple truth that I hadn’t been able to realized because of my infatuation with his character.

But I think that as humans, it’s easy to fall in love with the appearance of the act and become broken in spirit when we do realize it was all an act. Whether that’s a magic trick that surpasses all of your mundane expectations, or a person you thought you were in love with. Essentially being a human is nothing more than an act in itself because we’re constantly morphing and realizing who we are. And as horribly fake the act might be at times, you have to realize that it’s part of our nature to self-preserve and self-protect.

And I think that’s okay. It’s about learning how to reconcile with the act and the genuine spirit behind the trick.