I am now home, having finished my finals and Christmas activities-ish. I realized that Sunday is the 1st which means this post is long overdue since I’ve lasted posted.
I came into this academic semester not thinking much but worrying a lot. The worse of my worries – being homeless but somehow working part time at a tea store for the rest of my life – sounds oddly familiar but I can confirm that will not come true… thankfully.
I’m grateful to all those I met this past year & have gotten to know, and to my God who will never let me go. This year’s been one of the most interesting by far to have gone through, with lots of surprises along the way. And for now, I’m happy that I’m 20 and that I get to keep my five week holidays and four month summers.
At the same time though, there’s a lot of things I want to accomplish in the final stretch of my time at college.
For the instant, I feel lazy and some type of writer’s block and procrastination. I’ll be watching a bunch of videos and sleeping. Until 2017, hope you have a lovely New Years.
Not to reiterate what happened this week, but it has been emotional nevertheless. I think there’s a lot to digest and think about as I look towards a somewhat more clear future – but that’s not to say only I should do this, but everyone.
Okay. But I got to get it out.
Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy upon my life. I will boast in nothing but in God and His love because that’s something that will never cease. It’s surprising, wondrous, and outrageous all in one. A love that died for my soul on that cross – that saw and experienced every pain and suffering that any human could go through. One that understands the chaotic unpredictability of a human world. I am grateful to say the least.
As I look on to finishing this year and starting the next, I’m only excited in this moment of what is to come and what will come. I know there will be a different set of challenges and hurdles, as with anyone’s life, but in this moment, I’m living with God’s constant grace.
Now onto a fun outing on Saturday, a restful Thanksgiving week, and an exciting adventure the week after. Then finals, of course.
Thank you all for to everyone else’s support and love throughout a stressful but maturing process. And read my article if you so please on my views from the past two months.
So I will sing like I will there
In the fearless light of glory
Where the darkness cannot find me
And Your face is all I see
I am constantly blessed by His glory and grace upon my life, no matter what I have done or will do. I am constantly surprised by His mercies and boundless love that floods my life. So, I am constantly thankful for His love and mercy to have His will be done in my life.
For His will be done, not mine.
It’s going to be an interesting two weeks, but regardless of what happens, I know Heaven lives in me. For I have been fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of all things, and I have this inkling of faith that He will never leave me in the darkness alone.
I trust in Him with my heart to provide for me even though I am a worthless creature. And at times, it’s so confusing and difficult to realize my life in His terms, but I know it’s for the best. That some things are not meant to be clear or understood until the end.
I embark the first part of this potential year long adventure of finding myself and learning more and more to depend on God’s mercy and grace. I don’t think there’s anything that can set me apart from the depths of His love, as much as my warring thoughts will try.
I just wanted to make that statement tonight. That I pray for the Prince of Peace to be eternally present with me in every waking moment.
There’s a fine line between knowing who you are and what others know of what you are. There was a point in my life when I related to everything that Holden Caulfield said, and that’s why I was so drawn to the book. He talked about having a persona, a face, for every person he met, since everyone else was a phoney and not worth revealing the true inner self to.
I fell in love with the idea of it because as an eighth grader that seemed so true. No one was being a real person, hence there was no reason for myself to be either. This fell into a scheme of imitating the other person’s character as if to impress them or to be like them. I felt like I held some sort of secret, some sort of power and duty, as if I were really protecting who I was from outsiders who would never understand.
My practice broke apart when my history teacher asked me if I understood that Holden was the biggest phoney in the book. I wasn’t sure what to think of it, except to inquire more. And it was true – a simple truth that I hadn’t been able to realized because of my infatuation with his character.
But I think that as humans, it’s easy to fall in love with the appearance of the act and become broken in spirit when we do realize it was all an act. Whether that’s a magic trick that surpasses all of your mundane expectations, or a person you thought you were in love with. Essentially being a human is nothing more than an act in itself because we’re constantly morphing and realizing who we are. And as horribly fake the act might be at times, you have to realize that it’s part of our nature to self-preserve and self-protect.
And I think that’s okay. It’s about learning how to reconcile with the act and the genuine spirit behind the trick.
this year is undoubtedly more difficult than any of the other years i’ve experienced in my life. and what’s sad, is that in a lot of ways, i know the stress derives from the pettiness and the scale of my mind. it underlies from me focusing too much on the present and being and being unable to see what’s ahead.
i’ve been thinking a lot about my self worth as an individual, of what i had to offer to other people, let alone myself or my family. and honestly, sometimes i could come up with nothing because i felt defeated in a lot of ways, already. spiritually, i was lacking any embrace of god that i kept thinking i didn’t need for a while.
but reading scripture starts to reveal to me how wonderfully wrong i was. that every time i think i’ve had my back turned on the face of jesus, He’s been always there by my side. from a simple page flip to seeing a verse i had been looking for to images of jesus revealing his abundant love to someone who never deserved it.
these days, i’ve been pretty angry but i realize how stupid that is to be so caught up in my own mind. i think i’m only starting to realize (again) how far the savior goes with me. and when i have nothing to be proud of or am in pure mindlessness, i can hold onto god’s steadfast love.
thank you god, for after two days of reading scripture, you already have revealed yourself to me. please keep me mindful of your love as i continue throughout this day.
I remember you. I was alone that time, and frantic. That was my Paris in a day moment, where I rushed to the crooks and corners of the city. It was the day I found out a little bit more about my destiny.
Here, I stopped to rest. Do you recognize this room? It’s the one next to the room with the Mona Lisa. I personally found this room one of the most beautiful rooms I’ve ever stepped into. It’s calming. It invites a sort of magnificent sigh, asks you to pause for a bit to marvel at the long stretch of paintings. Also, I’ve never been down that hallway. I’ve only stood right here, resting.
I’d never thought I’d enter that realm with you. To take this picture, in part. To get lost in the wonders of ancient geniuses, in another. To understand the ever silencing rest this room breaks into your mind.
We stood here for rest too. After a circular day of exploring. It was too real in the highlight of the moment. I remember.
I realize my memories are too a hallway full of ancient dreams and moments. Only sitting here, writing, I wished I got up to the other end of the hallway to realize more wonders.
I was only too tired, too faded by the wonders of the city, to marvel at whatever could be more present and wonderful at the end of a short walk.
the first broken friendship, and the most last few
the first heartache
pins pushed up on myself
seconds before every dance recital
slick bun hair for ballet exams
the chocolate cake from Lyon
that meaningful encounter in the movie-like scenes
first ice skate with a guy
sharing sandwiches with the first kiss
the first unintentional all-nighter
i realize as i write this, my mind is filled with endless memories of single encounters, friendships, brokenness, utter grace, and happiness. there’s not a list i could write that could encompass every single experience i’ve had that i will never forget. the human mind is such a strange, complex thing. i’ve once heard that you never truly forget a memory, but it just more cloudy each time you think about it.