incredible month

It’s been an incredible month. I wanted to acknowledge it before it disappeared and turned into finals + Christmas period. 🙂

That’s it. I’ll be back soon — right after finals period probably unless something else comes up or if I end up procrastinating on studying with writing.

Now what?

Not to reiterate what happened this week, but it has been emotional nevertheless. I think there’s a lot to digest and think about as I look towards a somewhat more clear future – but that’s not to say only I should do this, but everyone.

Okay. But I got to get it out.
Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy upon my life. I will boast in nothing but in God and His love because that’s something that will never cease. It’s surprising, wondrous, and outrageous all in one. A love that died for my soul on that cross – that saw and experienced every pain and suffering that any human could go through. One that understands the chaotic unpredictability of a human world. I am grateful to say the least.

As I look on to finishing this year and starting the next, I’m only excited in this moment of what is to come and what will come. I know there will be a different set of challenges and hurdles, as with anyone’s life, but in this moment, I’m living with God’s constant grace.

Now onto a fun outing on Saturday, a restful Thanksgiving week, and an exciting adventure the week after. Then finals, of course.

Thank you all for to everyone else’s support and love throughout a stressful but maturing process. And read my article if you so please on my views from the past two months.

 

Waking up to a new reality

I woke at 5AM this morning to the buzzing of my phone. I felt taken back by the new reality of this country and disheartened by the news I woke up to. Yesterday was a big day for everyone.

I’m dumbfounded and I’m trying to realize silver linings in the midst of this chaotic month.

So here are the things I’m thankful for and the things that I will ultimately keep up a positivity:

  1. I’m alive and breathing. I have incredible friends and family. And incredibly blessed to lean on a saviour and not on myself for understanding.
  2. The chaos, in turn, can bring about more change and activity for younger generations going through the motions.
  3. Our hope ultimately has to lie on something greater, not on human politics that can fall or rise any day.

Despite any more negative news that may happen this month, I am still hopeful of the things to come and grateful of the past.

Heaven holds my heart

So I will sing like I will there
In the fearless light of glory
Where the darkness cannot find me
And Your face is all I see

I am constantly blessed by His glory and grace upon my life, no matter what I have done or will do. I am constantly surprised by His mercies and boundless love that floods my life. So, I am constantly thankful for His love and mercy to have His will be done in my life.

For His will be done, not mine.

It’s going to be an interesting two weeks, but regardless of what happens, I know Heaven lives in me. For I have been fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of all things, and I have this inkling of faith that He will never leave me in the darkness alone.

I am forever indebted

I trust in Him with my heart to provide for me even though I am a worthless creature. And at times, it’s so confusing and difficult to realize my life in His terms, but I know it’s for the best. That some things are not meant to be clear or understood until the end.

I embark the first part of this potential year long adventure of finding myself and learning more and more to depend on God’s mercy and grace. I don’t think there’s anything that can set me apart from the depths of His love, as much as my warring thoughts will try.

I just wanted to make that statement tonight. That I pray for the Prince of Peace to be eternally present with me in every waking moment.

 

On Being Human

There’s a fine line between knowing who you are and what others know of what you are. There was a point in my life when I related to everything that Holden Caulfield said, and that’s why I was so drawn to the book. He talked about having a persona, a face, for every person he met, since everyone else was a phoney and not worth revealing the true inner self to.

I fell in love with the idea of it because as an eighth grader that seemed so true. No one was being a real person, hence there was no reason for myself to be either. This fell into a scheme of imitating the other person’s character as if to impress them or to be like them. I felt like I held some sort of secret, some sort of power and duty, as if I were really protecting who I was from outsiders who would never understand.

My practice broke apart when my history teacher asked me if I understood that Holden was the biggest phoney in the book. I wasn’t sure what to think of it, except to inquire more. And it was true – a simple truth that I hadn’t been able to realized because of my infatuation with his character.

But I think that as humans, it’s easy to fall in love with the appearance of the act and become broken in spirit when we do realize it was all an act. Whether that’s a magic trick that surpasses all of your mundane expectations, or a person you thought you were in love with. Essentially being a human is nothing more than an act in itself because we’re constantly morphing and realizing who we are. And as horribly fake the act might be at times, you have to realize that it’s part of our nature to self-preserve and self-protect.

And I think that’s okay. It’s about learning how to reconcile with the act and the genuine spirit behind the trick.

 

the only thing I’m proud of

this year is undoubtedly more difficult than any of the other years i’ve experienced in my life. and what’s sad, is that in a lot of ways, i know the stress derives from the pettiness and the scale of my mind. it underlies from me focusing too much on the present and being and being unable to see what’s ahead.

i’ve been thinking a lot about my self worth as an individual, of what i had to offer to other people, let alone myself or my family. and honestly, sometimes i could come up with nothing because i felt defeated in a lot of ways, already. spiritually, i was lacking any embrace of god that i kept thinking i didn’t need for a while.

but reading scripture starts to reveal to me how wonderfully wrong i was. that every time i think i’ve had my back turned on the face of jesus, He’s been always there by my side. from a simple page flip to seeing a verse i had been looking for to images of jesus revealing his abundant love to someone who never deserved it.

these days, i’ve been pretty angry but i realize how stupid that is to be so caught up in my own mind. i think i’m only starting to realize (again) how far the savior goes with me. and when i have nothing to be proud of or am in pure mindlessness, i can hold onto god’s steadfast love.

thank you god, for after two days of reading scripture, you already have revealed yourself to me. please keep me mindful of your love as i continue throughout this day.

Walking

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I remember you. I was alone that time, and frantic. That was my Paris in a day moment, where I rushed to the crooks and corners of the city. It was the day I found out a little bit more about my destiny.

Here, I stopped to rest. Do you recognize this room? It’s the one next to the room with the Mona Lisa. I personally found this room one of the most beautiful rooms I’ve ever stepped into. It’s calming. It invites a sort of magnificent sigh, asks you to pause for a bit to marvel at the long stretch of paintings. Also, I’ve never been down that hallway. I’ve only stood right here, resting.

 

And,

I’d never thought I’d enter that realm with you. To take this picture, in part. To get lost in the wonders of ancient geniuses, in another. To understand the ever silencing rest this room breaks into your mind.

We stood here for rest too. After a circular day of exploring. It was too real in the highlight of the moment. I remember.

 

I realize my memories are too a hallway full of ancient dreams and moments. Only sitting here, writing, I wished I got up to the other end of the hallway to realize more wonders.

 

I was only too tired, too faded by the wonders of the city, to marvel at whatever could be more present and wonderful at the end of a short walk.

 

I’ll find you again. We’ll find you.

 

memories

moments i’ll never forget:

  • every room I’ve lived in
  • my maltese
  • mom’s first outrage at me
  • the first broken friendship, and the most last few
  • the first heartache
  • pins pushed up on myself
  • seconds before every dance recital
  • slick bun hair for ballet exams
  • the chocolate cake from Lyon
  • that meaningful encounter in the movie-like scenes
  • first ice skate with a guy
  • hospital nights
  • sharing sandwiches with the first kiss
  • the first unintentional all-nighter

i realize as i write this, my mind is filled with endless memories of single encounters, friendships, brokenness, utter grace, and happiness. there’s not a list i could write that could encompass every single experience i’ve had that i will never forget. the human mind is such a strange, complex thing. i’ve once heard that you never truly forget a memory, but it just more cloudy each time you think about it.

Ghosts

I don’t believe soulmates exist, but I’ve seem to have found one. And even further, it’s as if I’ve always been infatuated with this one man since the beginning of time. And I know that no matter how ugly this relationship gets to be, I will still be in love with this one person until the end of time.

Our background is a complex spiral of disparate universes coming together. Our beginning is an ever-true Korean soap opera, and everything in between now and then is a fragile spider web, with many holes but an everlasting hold. Despite these holes, with that thread, I can place almost every minute into an immediate replay unlike other life moments. Each moment of time lives within its own universe, staying absolutely contained with its contemporary emotions and perspectives.

Have I also mentioned that for most of the year, we live thousands of miles apart in two different time zones? Long distance is not an uncommon occurrence nowadays, but for the two people, it means constant sacrifice. Hence, when I say I can remember almost every minute we’ve shared together – whether good or bad – it’s more a matter of me reliving an haunted past over and over again.

It’s suffocating at times, of course. Walking past the stores you’ve always visited together, or eating alone at your favourite restaurant gets to be taunting at times. And the memories become more painful each time one comes and goes.

The last time we saw each other, we fought for more than half the waking hours we had together. It’s as if the holes in our already complicated spider web get bigger each time we see each other – something always has to go wrong. And I’ll admit, more than majority of the time, it’s my own doing. I’m a sensitive person, overly so at times. When we see each other, my emotions become more amplified, especially by the anxiety of another goodbye.

And I resent him. For things like being unable to remember my birthday, or for simply texting another girl. Or realizing how little I know of him because of my own self-absorbed perspectives.

The thing is though, no matter how much I resent him at times, hate him in others, (and he must feel the same way), we undoubtedly come back to each other. The truth is, even if this is my first relationship and this is his third, we’ve never experienced a love like this before. It’s a different kind of ‘love’ I describe – one that’s passionately stuck together. When coming undone doesn’t actually mean loosening strings, but rather a fierce tightening.

We’ve experienced all sorts of resentments towards each other in the time we’ve been together. Indifference, emotional suicide, physical heartaches. Yet, as time goes on, I’ve stopped questioning the validity of our togetherness to each other. Maybe lost at times, but in the majority, I want him in my life as much as he does in his.

The longest we’ve been broken up (and there have been many many times) was four months. At the end of the four months, I discovered that there was no thing such as a soulmate, but that humans have adaptable personalities. Despite that, I told myself constantly during that time, that I would never forget such a relationship.

We’ve gone through so many thick and thins, and whether our experience is the result of our “soulmate”ness or the constant non-emotional feeling towards each other is, I know he is my soulmate. I don’t think that has to mean what it might conventionally convey, but he’s someone that in this moment, I can see as lasting forever – at least in memories and previous experiences, regardless of the future. And so, here’s to my ghosts – in the form of memories, tears, and real physical flesh of a human being.