LOVE is not what you think it is

Love is an ideal we want in our lives. Everyone wants to be loved and cherished in some way – whatever love means. I used to think Love was just another term that could be used in the sense of preference. For example, I love chocolate. And I really do – I take that seriously. But really, human love, relational love, is different.

Sarah and Phil Kay(e) performed this poem. It’s a great poem, and it hints at this idea of what love could really be.

I think loving someone, whether in a Christian sense or in a worldly sense, is incredibly difficult. Loving someone is hard, and I have had struggles in coming to terms with what love really was. I guess I just had so many misconceptions of what love could be or what I thought love would be like. Here’s just a few things I’ve learned over the past few weeks and months.

First off, love is not the same as infatuation. I think a lot of people know this. It’s impossible to love someone the first time you meet them. It’s possible to be infatuated with him/her, but it’s different from loving that person. So love at first sight, in the literal sense, does not exist. If you’re infatuated with someone, you’ll be content – you might think about them all day, wonder what they’re up to, constantly be checking for updates. Your heart will flutter when you see them, and you’re just generally excited. That’s not love. And this phase fades, like any shiny new toy you buy then throw away.

Second, love is not what you need in life to live. We often make love our goal in life; we need to find the right person and we want to get married to the “one.” And I struggle quite a bit with this. I automatically assume that love is what will make me happy, and therefore I should pursue love and without it, I will die a miserable wretch (no, I actually don’t think like this, but just to prove a point). Love will not bring you happiness. And you can’t depend on love to make you happy. In fact, love might really mess up your life, make it more complicated, and you might dislike love at times. But it’s not love’s duty to make you happy – you need to have something else to fulfill you.

Thirdly, love does not mean that you love every aspect of this person. We think, oh I’m completely in love with this person; I see no flaw in him and I want to be with him forever. Just because you say that, it doesn’t mean you love him, just means you’re still not over this infatuation phase. Of course, you should love an underlying essence of this person, but that doesn’t mean you have to completely be all for his characteristics. And how can we be? We’re not perfect in any shape or form; there will be mistakes and flaws that we need to realize and accept. Love doesn’t mean you like everything about him; it means you accept and see the truth in him.

So really, love is not just being content with another person. It’s about seeing who they are as individuals, with flaws and all, and accepting them and choosing to be with no one else. You trust them. You wait for them. You accept them for who they are, not for who they can be or will be. And in this way, love is so challenging and difficult, but ultimately beautiful and great. Love will not solve your problems and you should not depend on love to rescue you.

And in those ways, a worldly love will never be enough. But it’s not nothing either.

| VLOG | shipyard night market

Something filmed a long time ago that I finally fixed up and edited.

enjoy x.

On a brighter note, Providence was sunny and not snowing today. Hopefully it stays that way for some time.

Hope of the World

Processed with VSCOcam with m5 presetBack from Newport. It was a lovely and soulful trip. I think I discovered better motivations that I really need to implement in my life. I think it was the first time, in weeks (possibly months), that I’ve genuinely laughed and was just plainly my old weird self. Even though the retreat was only two-ish days in total, it was really cleansing and peaceful. I didn’t cry nor did I put out my fists in anger with how ashamed I should be, how much guilt I should really be feeling, and how lost I really am. Instead, it was a peaceful, quiet weekend for much reflecting on my faith.

I guess when I pray, I’m like others. I pray, and almost only remember to pray when I am in a time of need or suffering. But I’ve also stopped praying a bit since last year. It seemed futile and I felt like I was praying to an empty wall. I didn’t feel any bit of fullness in praying, and so I stopped. Back in September, I tried again. But life, like always, became way to busy and hectic for me to remember anything, let alone what I was doing in the next hour. I forgot and constantly neglected prayer. This January,  I felt a bit more renewed to turn back to God, even though I felt lacking in every way. I really didn’t think I could live on if I didn’t pray, if there wasn’t a God out there. So I started out again, or at least tried to. It’s honestly so difficult somProcessed with VSCOcam with m3 presetetimes just to keep up with life and its stresses, but going away this weekend made me step out of my own box of thoughts. My prayers were misdirected, my life’s purpose was lost in selfishness, and my questions were messy.

He really in all honesty is the hope of this world. In life, we constantly keep searching for some sort of answer to our questions and try to find it within our world, within ourselves. Sometimes when it gets so tough, we want to escape, just to get out of the stressful things and go away to another place, job, and relationship. But we all have our brokenness, and no matter where we go or who we go to, we’re still trapped in this cycle of oppressing ourselves and trying to escape. But we can turn our eyes towards the one who came to die for us, who shattered through our world of brokenness to save us, to save you. Yet, we constantly forget this and we constantly come back to our cycle. Our healing can’t be found anywhere on this earth, except in the one who gave everything up to be with us.

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Last and this semester have both been incredibly tough and overwhelming. And I tried all sorts of things, thought of all possible worldly options, to get out of my struggle – whatever it was or is. And I still have so much more to experience, but it gives me great comfort that there’s no specific place I have to be or a person I have to become in order to glorify God and live for Him. My sister in Christ, Alana, described that path as a narrow bullseye that you have to fit in – or else you’re in the wrong place. But she said that’s not what it’s about. He gave us free will for a reason, and no matter which choice we make, whether good or bad, He can work through anything. Abbey also said how we shouldn’t let a potentially selfish or bad motivation stop us from doing the right thing. I have big decisions to make in the next coming years, and I, like any other freshman, have been getting overly stressed out about that fact. But I take pride and comfort in the fact that my job will not define me, my success or failures will not nail me to some awful standard. Processed with VSCOcam with kk1 preset

There is no love greater in this world than His. I am in constant failure of recognizing how wonderful and fanciful it is, but I’m trying to come back. Freshman year is not yet complete, but it’s coming to a quick end. I don’t know what will happen of me in the coming months, but I have peace in knowing that my decisions are not definitive of any worldly attributes, and rather in prayer, in peace, I belong to the One and Only, Jesus Christ.

To those who have been praying for me, thank you so much for your advice, your stories, your courage. I know this is not the end. Not yet. 

Eleanor, you’re cute too. Thank you for being a truly amazing, inspiring voice.

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| TRAVEL VLOG | new york city

frozen smore x brooklyn bridge x ducks

Christy and my trip in a nutshell.

Side note: This was supposed to be a Catcher in the Rye tour of the city, but the edits didn’t work out that way.

Park n’ Tacos

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New York City is strikingly rectangular. Every building has straight, crisp edges and there seems to be nothing out of the ordinary when staring up at the city… except for this huge park right in the middle of it all. It never really occurred to me until this particular trip how unusual this was – to have nature in the middle of skyscrapers and commercial space.

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Anyhow, if you’re looking for something to do Gansevoort Market is a small hipster place a few blocks down from Chelsea Market. Gansevoort has the same kind of vibe, but a different flair. It’s busy, but not nearly as busy as Chelsea. Each shop has its own individual taste and feel. Nothing more to say than that. Very family friendly too.

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Processed with VSCOcam with kk2 presetThere’s a Tacombi truck there. The same restaurant I went to the morning after for breakfast (tacos). Normally I don’t like tacos but theirs is pretty good. I recommend the carnitas michoacana – one of the best tacos I’ve ever had.

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Not sure if the hearts are always there. I was there the day after Valentine’s Day. Couples were still out and about.

a step you can’t take back

Brooklyn bridge @1:00 PM exactly.
Christy and I are in the city for the long weekend. It’s President’s day weekend actually.
Is also the coldest day in this city… possibly in the last 20 years (I’ve heard someone say). We were crazy enough to go onto the bridge at 1:00. It took us thirty minutes to cross it, and we were hoping we wouldn’t get blown off the bridge. But trudging through that awful wind (that I really thought would suffocate me) was worth it in the end. The view of the city was the best I’ve ever seen. A perfect sunny day, outlined in silhouettes of Wall Street buildings and skyscrapers.

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We also visited Jane’s Carousel. There was a birthday party going on while we were there.

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Despite the awful wind, today was a pretty decent day to shoot.
I love carousels so much. I felt like I was five, just looking out onto the waters and letting time pass me by effortlessly.

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To end the post: we began our day with doughnuts. Later at night, I met up with Steve, who is constantly shaping my views of the world. He said I should stop waiting for life to happen because one day I’ll look back and realize it began a long time ago.

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until we

What do you say
Is this the time
For one more try
At a happy life

Felt like making a February playlist this time around.

  1. Houdini – Foster the People
  2. Until We Get There – Lucius
  3. Pumped Up Kicks – Foster the People
  4. Younger – Kygo Remix
  5. SeeSea – Machinedrum
  6. Sleepless – Flume
  7. Begin Again – Purity Ring
  8. Magic and Fire – Brave Baby (Thanks Christy!)
  9. Chocolate – The 1975
  10. Lost Stars – Adam Levine (Keira Knightley’s version is cool too)

February 2015

Heading down to a dreamland of concrete and endless skyscrapers soon.
t-6 days

Snowy Sunday

The snow went up to my knees. I’ve never seen that much snow in a non-mountain setting before. New England is crazy with its weather. But it’s not necessarily the snow or rain that makes you cold; it’s the chilling wind. It feels like your face is being blown off or something, like walking into the arms of torture. That’s how cold it gets.

This week’s been a bit rough – either because of the first real day of classes, getting overwhelmed by the workload, or because of the lack of warmth I’m getting. I’ve decided, after last weekend, to become more Christ-like. I guess I’ve been struggling with my faith for a bit, but I feel like things are slowly coming back together. I try to remember not to do a lot of things like judging others, worrying about the future, and being overly pessimistic. It’s definitely a hard process, but I think it’s definitely there. I’m remembering to actually pray whenever I do remember; remembering that compassion is key; and remembering that life is not eternal here on earth.

Life is so unpredictable and no one can really prepare for what will happen tomorrow. All you have is the today and nothing more.

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life? [Luke 12:25 ]

Learn to forgive and move on, not holding onto the past as if it will do anything or add anything to your life – something I need to work on. I need to try to take everyday for its own and stop obsessing over the future.

January has been busy and tiring. A lot of happenings, overcomings, and prayers. But now it’s finally February and my mind I’m focusing elsewhere. I already know it’ll be a tough month – it’s February, a weird, depressing month. But it’ll be all well with my soul.

Date Night

The last night I was in Vancouver, Harry and I decided to go to Joe Fortes, an upscale seafood restaurant. We were eating on the Dine Out menu and the atmosphere was pretty nice. Our sub-server(?) was quite interactive as well.


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Walking to the restaurant, we visited a souvenir store. We found a selfie stick on sale and decided to get it. We were awfully stared at by strangers…

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The courses at Joe Fortes:
Clam Chowder & Chilled Seafood Melody
Prawn Spaghetti & New York Steak
Chocolate Raspberry Tart & Tiramisu

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On the way home:

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I miss him.

Rainy Thursday

A very typical day in Vancouver: rain, rain, sun, rain.

Harry and I decided to go to Granville Island one last time before I returned to college. We ate our favourite meals and went off on a rainy, grainy photoshoot.

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It was sunny at first, but it started raining a little later. You just have to expect the rain in Vancouver.

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Pre-dinner coffee and cheesecake @Trees Organic Coffee & Roasting House. Harry says this place has the best Americano, and it is also known for their wonderful cheesecakes. I got a Raspberry White Chocolate scone.

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After Granville Island, I went to one of my favourite salad places : Red Robins. Shared a chicken burger and a chicken salad with mum.

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And here’s the fabulous beau. I swear he could and should be a model.

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